First, right up front here I want to tell you: this article is written to men in a relationship.
This week, in the Relationship Intelligence For Men
group call, the topic of a controlling wife came up.
And we all wondered, why does she do it? 🤷♂️
In this men's group, we always look at issues from the perspective of "I am 100% responsible for the results in my relationship". So when we asked the question, “If she seems controlling, what does that actually mean? What causes her to go into control mode?”
As we talked about it, we also realized that besides Controlling, her demeanor could present as Withdrawn or Cold, but we realized that these are just "signs" or "symptoms" of an underlying issue. What the group determined is, the true root cause is usually one or more of a few simple ideas:
1. She’s fearful of something
2. She’s not feeling trusting in the relationship
3. She’s not feeling safe or secure
Most of us believe that our woman wants to feel cared for, focused on, and care-free. So if she’s in a mode that is opposite of that, it’s an indicator that something is wrong and maybe we can do something about it.
Next, we asked the question, “What can I do as her man to help her feel more care-free and less controlling?”
After some discussion, we came to the conclusion that when the “indicator” comes up, it’s a signal that perhaps we need to be more:
1. Clear in our own mind about our direction (so we can communicate that with her to partner with her in decisions)
2. Direct and honest (about our own thoughts and feelings)
3. Present with her and focused on her (so she feels loved)
Then we asked, “How do I do that? How do I gain more clarity, be more focused, and be more present in the relationship?”
This led us into a great discussion and we pretty much settled into THE BIG IDEA: 👇
To be the man I want to be (for my wife, for my family, for my work, for my life) I have to have ABSOLUTE CLARITY about my direction.
Why is that so important? Because when a man has a clear focus on:
- who he is
- what his purpose is
- how he wants to show up
- and most importantly….
the daily disciplines to get it all done…
That man can articulate clear intentions, has certainty about what’s most important, and has stuff well taken care of. He is fully alive with passion in his purpose. That’s the kind of man that can calm his woman’s fears, that she can trust, and who she can feel safe and secure with.
Concluding, we all agreed…the next time we feel "controlled" by our wife, we’re going to look in the mirror and check to see if we’re really dialed into our goals with full clarity and direction. 💪
If you're reading this and you're not the man in a relationship, consider sharing it with the guy you know who might be interested. 😉
Stay in GSD Mode,
PS-Let me know if you're interested in joining my online men's group. Find out more HERE